It's been over a year since I last blogged. I was involved in another A to Z meme but stopped after my "U" post.
I've always felt guilty for not finishing the rest of the alphabet yet never did anything about it. Writing was just one thing that died in my spirit last year. There were other aspects of my life that experienced brokenness and now I'm in the healing and growing phase.
It seems that all my life, my dreams and things that I've been passionate about just fade away or shatter like glass on cement. I'm not understanding why this happens and now I've become apathetic. I'm apathetic about writing, and in my attempt to reach my weight loss goal. I'm apathetic in my desire to do a great job at work, and in my spiritual walk. Even now, I am no longer getting that high I felt during my most recent passion of photography. Maybe by publically speaking of it, I can get a grasp of what is wrong here.
Definition of apathy (n)
[ áppəthee ]
- lack of enthusiasm or energy: lack of interest in anything, or the absence of any wish to do anything
- emotional emptiness: inability to feel normal or passionate human feelings or to respond emotionally
I feel the first definition aptly describes what I'm experiencing. I have a long history of starting projects and being very enthused about the hobby. Crocheting, T-shirt painting, ceramic painting, and scrap booking are some of the more memorable interests that I pursued, but then the enthusiasm died. (I still have some leftover supplies from all of these hobbies). I seem to never reach the point where I'm really good and knowledgeable about what I do. I wonder when and why the joy I attain from being involved in the activity disappears. Does it stem from frustration or lack of feedback?
I don't like it that I'm now seen as Debbie Downer when I once use to be more optimistic. Years of unfulfilled dreams and things that broke my spirit in the last couple of years contributed to this attitude, and I hate it! I long to rise above it all and be the beautiful person God wants me to be.
I have no answers right now, but I'm hoping that by picking up my blog, I will work through the murky clouds of apathy and find a ray of hope that just maybe, will allow me once again to experience a joyful and purposeful life.